Focus. Motivation. Fighting.

So It has been a rough week for me. Lots of phone calls. Issues to be sorted out.

But it is 7am here on a Saturday morning. Winter is here. I am freezing. I have my thick crocheted rainbow slipper socks on. I’m in bed. I have chill hop relaxing Lo-Fi music on.

I am working. I am currently uploading some designs to my Redbubble.

After that I might do some other stuff. I want to look over the jewelry stuff I have to make but my hands are very cold so trying to make jewelry when your hands are freezing is not gonna be easy. 

I might put the heating on for a bit. My relationship has really improved with my dad. All this stuff going on with my MH care and PALS and so on. He has gained more insight not only into my conditions but the way the MH services run and how I’ve been treated and he is appalled. 

He is really really changing his whole attitude is more patient. Like he has always cared I know that now. He just can’t cope himself and he goes into denial but now he isn’t in denial. I suppose he couldn’t be in denial when he had to sit and phone people and advocate on my behalf. He had to learn about my disorder and the treatment I should be getting. He had to confront my illnesses and also I think he was shocked to see the way I was treated when he came to a meeting with me. Prior to this I had an amazing psychiatrist so I think it was also a shock because of that but I also think it brought up some old rooted trauma for him. As when my mum was not well. She saw some psychiatrists and it sort of scared my dad and traumatised him. So he did not or could not face being involved in this side of things with regards to me. 

I understand why because one psychiatrist asked my mum to pick a colour for something and he wanted to section her because of the colour she picked another one told her to leave my dad eventually she saw a lovely man who came out to their house to give her therapy for what we now know was post partum depression after me and my brother were born. But this has led to a deep seated and rooted fear in my dads mind about seeing psychiatrists and any mental health professional. I understand why. But I always took it as he doesn’t care enough but he has shown how much he cares lately and hes changed..hes really making an effort to understand me and my condition. He is making an effort to adapt how he is around me or how he handles my meltdowns without getting frustrated himself or being reactive towards my outbursts so that we can calm the situation down and I can realise what I’ve done or said. Or we can simply just avoid anything negative being said because he doesn’t misinterpret my behaviour and take it the wrong way or he doesnt say things that hurt me and cause me to react and let him know that or rip into him because im hurt and upset.

It is easier for me to not be so reactive when I see him making an effort now I feel and know he truly cares and is trying it changes things. You know? I hate that this had to come about through my lack of care and mistreatment by the NHS mental health services but ultimately I am glad our relationship has improved. 

So I am going to get back to work. Enjoy my Saturday. Maybe see him and my mum for a meal later tonight if they have spare time and my mum is feeling up to it. I had to phone the NHS 111 crisis number Thursday night/Friday early hours of the morning. I was in pieces but..with BOTH my parents support and my partners and the lovely lady on the phone who was talking to me on and off that night for a while I feel..not as bad. Rocky and shaky still but…managing.

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